I just finished Sweet Grapes – How to Stop Being Infertile And Start Living Again, which was put out by local publisher, Perspectives Press. It is written by a couple, Jean and Michael Carter, who decided to choose being childfree vs. childless (there is quite a bit of discussion on these two terms).  They share their personal story as she is an OB/GYN by profession (seriously, how hard would that be?) and comes to a point where she either must change careers or change her whole outlook. They cover a plethora of topics in depth from personal feelings for both women and women, the grieving process, how it affects marriage, your relationship with your parents and much more.  Overall they dig deep into the topic and really try to help the reader find a positive outlook on their life and they are a good example for others.  The book actually helped me pinpoint some issues, which I then took to my husband for a chance to discuss more in depth. There is also a whole section devoted to those who want to take these great new feelings and move onto adoption so if that is something you are considering, then I recommend reading this, too. They also updated this book after 10 years into being childfree, which I thought was an important follow-up. At 152 pages it isn’t a long read (but it did take me several nights, though, just to digest the topic in sections) and you can borrow it for free from our lending library! For a list of more books on childfree living, click here.

We received the following email request for help with a book project:

I am writing about the possibility of sending out an announcement to your local group for an online survey to women and men dealing with difficulty having a child. The survey is a for a book that will be a guide on how to help people through difficult times. One chapter will deal with difficulty having a child.

The survey asks for individuals’ commentary on what are helpful gestures and comments, and what are not, by friends and family and coworkers when dealing with fertility issues and possibly treatment.

The book website is www.helpeachotherguide.org.

I would be happy to tell you more about the project, either over phone or by email. I myself am working with the University of California San Francisco on fertility issues. From the amazing response I have received so far from others in my shoes about participating in this project, I thought I would extend this opportunity to other parts of the country.  (I actually went to college in Richmond, Indiana, and loved it!)

Please let me know what you think, or if you have any questions or concerns that I can address by email or phone.

And if you want to see a sample posting blurb:

Have you’ve been amazed by people’s supportive gestures, and plain intuition about what to say and what not to say when you were experiencing difficulty having a child? Or sometimes, dumbfounded by what people don’t do or say? Here’s a chance to educate. The Help Each Other Guide at www.helpeachotherguide.org is asking you to share your experience using either an online survey, or providing an interview about your difficulty having a child. The Guide asks for your recommendations about what comments and gestures help. And what don’t. This is a chance to help people in your shoes get even better support from those around them. You can find information about the survey or doing an interview, or just learn about the project at www.helpeachotherguide.org.

Thanks so much for considering it.

All my best,
Kelsey

I’ve really enjoyed the last 2 dinners out, so I’m really looking forward to this one. So far 3 of us are planning to go – I hope more people will be able to join us!

Here are all the details:

Thursday, March 26, 2009
6:30pm – 8:30pm
Cheesecake Factory at the Fashion Mall at Keystone
First level, Saks Fifth Avenue wing, next to Starbuck’s Coffee

Please let us know if you plan to come, so I can make a reservation for the right number of people. Hope to see you there!

It seems like a lot of us are reading books about infertility or adoption.   So I thought I’d start a series of book reviews.  If you’d like to review a book, please let me know!  I’d like to post one every couple of weeks or so.

To start us off, I am reviewing The Conception Chronicles by Patty Doyle Debano.  While I enjoyed reading this book, I can’t say that I found it either informative or useful.  I also did not find it to be as amusing as advertised.

I’d definitely recommend this book to someone just getting started trying to conceive. It’s useful learning about what to expect when you are charting/temping, using OPKs, taking pregnancy tests, taking clomid, injectibles etc. It covers the things your doctor doesn’t tell you and only a girlfriend will. Like the mood swings, hot flashes, and cervical mucous.

But by the time you’ve been trying for a year or more, you’ll probably know enough to write a book like this. There was a small section at the end about donor eggs and sperm, surrogacy, and adoption, but honestly, I think they just should have left that out. It was the only serious part of the book, so it didn’t seem to fit. Most likely none of the women experienced those things, so they had no personal stories to share. Also, if you want information about those topics, you won’t be looking for a one page synopsis without any depth.

In summary, this is a light read, moderately funny, but not a place to find any detailed information. Recommend it to someone starting out, but not to someone who is already well into treatment with an RE.

3 out of 5 stars

In many ways, dealing with infertility is similar to dealing with grief. Although infertility is not the same as a death, it is still a loss. The loss of the assumption that getting pregnant will be easy, possibly the loss of ever becoming pregnant or being a parent. And the loss of time while all of your friends and family are becoming pregnant and moving on with their lives.

Before reaching acceptance of the situation, it is very common to go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining and depression, often times over and over again. Each cycle we go through inspires us to be hopeful again and then be disappointed. It’s a cycle that repeats far too many times for us.

When I first realized it was taking awhile to get pregnant, I didn’t want to admit it. I kept trying to tell myself that maybe we just had bad timing or bad luck. We finally began seeing an RE, and then I was angry because we still didn’t have any answers, and we *still* weren’t pregnant. Isn’t an RE supposed to work some magic and get you pregnant within a few cycles? Or at least be able to tell you WHY you aren’t getting pregnant?

I think after that I alternated between anger and depression. Why was this happening to us? It wasn’t fair! We’re happily married; we have a nice house, good jobs, some savings. Having a baby is the next step in our plan. We wanted our children to grow up with their cousins, but our nieces and nephew are getting older and older and we still aren’t even pregnant.

It’s been 2 years since we started trying to have a baby, and only recently I feel that I’ve reached a stage of acceptance. Yes, this sucks. Yes, this is unfair. And yes, I am doing all that I can do to reach our goal of having a baby. There is nothing more that I can do, and being angry or sad won’t help me get any closer. I know I’ll have times again when I am angry, or sad, or in denial, but right now I’m in a good place.

Being part of the Indy Resolve group has really helped me reach this point. Hearing all the other stories and focusing on something other than myself has been very therapeutic for me. I’ve also been trying to re-connect with some of my friends, and spend time doing some of the things I used to do, like scrapbooking, volunteer work, etc.

Wherever you are at now, know that it will get better. One way or another we’ll all reach a stage of acceptance and find some resolution to this journey. In the meantime, take comfort from those around you who are also on this journey. Together we can help each other succeed.